Should I Forgive A Brother Who Won't Repent? (Don Blackwell)
Willow Avenue Church of Christ
Video: https://www.youtube.com/live/G0CwQfl3YMo?si=Y5PyqjXAxuOiTVX8
Then Peter came to Jesus, and he said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him. Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to 70 times seven. (Mt 18:21-22).
Brethren, I want to suggest to you this morning that questions about forgiving a brother who has sinned against you is not a new thing. They existed even when the Lord was on this earth. And they are troubling enough that one of the apostles felt the need to come and ask Jesus directly about it.
How frequently should I forgive my brother? I mean, my patience runs out sometimes. I mean, sometimes enough is enough. Where do I draw the line? Peter said, is seven times enough? You know, I've got the idea that Peter thought he was being pretty generous. That is, if my brother sins against me seven times surely that is a good place to draw the line. In fact, it is possible that Peter was drawing off of an idea that was being taught by some of the Jewish rabbis at that time based on a false assumption they had from Amos chapter 2 and verse 4. They taught that seven times was the limit. But I'm sure he was surprised when he heard Jesus's answer. Because the Lord said, no, not seven times but 70 times seven. In Luke's account, Jesus said, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, you shall forgive him.
What do you think about that? What if your brother sins against you seven times in the same day?
Brethren, I have got to admit to you that would be challenging for me if somebody sinned against me seven times in the same day and came back and said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry they did it again. I'm sorry they said they did it again seven times in the same day, that would be hard. I ate lunch with a preacher friend a while back in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and he was telling me that when he was in college, he was preaching for a little congregation who did not have elders, and he said there arose a tremendous disagreement one day on the Lord's day, between two members of the congregation, and it broke into a fist fight right in front of the church building, and he said that he physically had to get between these two brothers and break them up. Don't you know there's going to be some forgiveness that has to take place there. And I've got the idea it is not going to be easy.
I want to focus this morning on a particular aspect of forgiveness, and that is a brother who refuses to repent. Should I, as a Christian, forgive my brother who will not repent?
You know, I got a call one time from a member of the church, and he was very troubled. He said, Don, want to ask you a question. He said, my brother has grievously sinned against me. And he said he will not say he is sorry. He said his attitude was, live with it. I don't care what you think, just live with it. And this Christian man said, I know I should forgive him. I know that is the Christ like thing to do, he said, but I am having a hard time with it.
Sometimes there will be a murder case. You'll see a murder case on television, and maybe you'll see the media interview the family of this victim, and sometimes the killer shows no remorse whatsoever, but the family member will say something like this, I am a Christian, and so I'm going to forgive that person for abducting and raping and killing my little girl. In fact, sometimes they'll say something like this, because I'm a Christian, I forgave them the very moment that they have done it.
I have been in Bible classes over the years where members of the church have gotten into heated debate over this particular topic, should I forgive a brother who will not repent? And usually it goes something like this. Usually one side will argue, well, Christians are supposed to be forgiving people. Christians are not supposed to harbor grudges, and if we don't forgive them, then God won't forgive us, and then frequently, they will cite Matthew 6: 14, and 15, where the bible says Jesus said, For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you.
And so brethren, this is a question that needs to be answered. It's a question that comes up frequently, and it's something Christians need to know what does the bible say. Now, before we answer this question, I want to define two terms, and I want to make a distinction for you this morning.
The two terms are number one, forgiveness and number two, forgiving spirit.
Forgiveness
Now first, forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you proclaim one blameless. You forget the offense that he has committed against you. That is, there is no blame. That is what God does to us when we repent. If we are Christians, when we obey the gospel, that is what God does after we become children of God. When we sin, we pray to God and He forgives us. He forgets it, and we are blameless. In Hebrews, chapter 8 and verse 12, God said, I will be merciful to their unrighteousness and their sins and their lawless deeds. I will remember no more. It is just as if it never happened. And in a similar sense, when I forgive someone who has sinned against me, I count him as blameless, and our relationship is going to be reconciled. We are in full fellowship. It is just as if it never happened.
Forgiving Spirit
Now for the second term, and that is forgiving spirit. Brethren, forgiving spirit is different. A forgiving spirit means that you are willing to forgive. You have a forgiving attitude, and you are ready to forgive at any moment. Hasn't happened yet, but you're ready at the drop of a hat. This is Nehemiah, chapter 9, and verse 17. The bible says about God. God is a God who is ready to pardon. And that's what we're talking about. A forgiving spirit is one that is ready to pardon.
Question 1: Should I forgive a brother who will not repent?
All right, let's answer the question this morning, should I forgive a brother who will not repent? Brethren, the answer to that question is, no, I should not.
Now, what I want to do is I want to delve into the bible and look at the reasons. Why should I not forgive a brother who will not repent?
- First, Forgiveness is conditional.
Here is the first point this morning. If I forgive a brother who won't repent, then I make forgiveness unconditional. Brethren. Is that what the bible teaches? Does the bible teach that forgiveness is unconditional? No, it absolutely does not. Many people think that's what they see in Matthew chapter 6 and verse 14, the Lord said, For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you, and they will also further cite Mark chapter 11 and verse 25. It teaches the same thing Jesus said, And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive them that your heavenly Father may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive them, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your trespasses. And so they say, I've got to forgive a brother. If I don't forgive him, if I'm harboring anything that I haven't forgiven, then God is not going to forgive me. Brethren, do these passages teach that a Christian should unconditionally give forgiveness, and that if we don't do that, we will not be forgiven by God? You know, one thing that we need to keep in mind before answering this question is that you've got to get all of the pieces of a puzzle before you can have the full picture. Now, what do I mean by that? Before I tell you that, I got to tell you this, because I thought about it.
Sherry recently went out and she bought 1,000 piece puzzle of Nancy Drew books. She liked Nancy Drew books when she was a kid, so she bought this Nancy Drew puzzle. For weeks, she's been working on it, and she got almost to the very end. And I told you before we have two cats, you can guess what happened. She got this puzzle put together, and she's missing three pieces. She was planning on framing it and hanging it in her sewing room, but thanks to our two cats, we don't have the rest of the puzzle anyway. That has nothing to do with this illustration. The illustration is this. I want you to imagine that you go out and you buy 1,000 piece puzzle, and you pick up one piece of the puzzle and has a picture of a horse on it, just a little, small horse. And you go out and tell people, well, I've got a puzzle that is a picture of a horse. Is that an accurate representation? Not at all. This one piece of the puzzle has a horse on it. You don't know what the rest of the puzzle is going to be until you put it together. Or if you look at the box, you could find out. Now, from that, I want to give you this illustration. If you dump it on the table and you put all of the pieces together, when you get finished, you will have a full picture. Brethren, the bible is the same way.
You can't pull a couple of verses out of the bible on the subject of forgiveness, and assume that you know all that it has to say about this subject.
What you've got to do is pull all of the passages on the subject of forgiveness, and then you get a full picture. In fact, that's true of everything. You can't pull one verse about salvation. You can’t pull a verse that says repentance is for the remission of sins, and say, well, that's all you've got to do. It doesn't work that way. You've got to get all the bible says on a subject so that you can get the full puzzle put together.
For example, let me, let me give you an illustration of this. If you want to read about the story of Jesus's arrest, you can go to Matthew and Mark, and they teach us that there was one who drew his sword and he cut off the ear of the high priest servant. You can read that in Matthew 26:51 and Mark 14:47. From this one piece of the puzzle, you have no idea whose ear got cut off, but if you read Luke's account, you learn that it was the right ear of a man whose name was Malchus, Luke, 22:50. If you read John's account in John 18:10, we learned that it was the apostle Peter who was swinging the sword. Now what's the point when you read all four gospel accounts? You learn all the names, you read the total incident, and you have the full picture of that event. If you don't have all of the pieces of the puzzle, you don't have the full picture.
You see the religious world makes this mistake all the time, because they base their entire belief system, sometimes on one or two verses. Frequently, you will hear them pick a verse that relates to believing or faith, and they ignore all the passages that relate to obedience. And they will say, well, the bible teaches faith only. And so what I'm saying is this, let's get the full picture about forgiving a brother.
- Second, Luke 17:3-4 tells us the condition is “repentance.”
Now I want to begin this morning. I want you to open your bibles to Luke, chapter 17 and verse number three. Luke 17 and verse three. This is what the bible says, Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. Here are two pieces of the puzzle that you don't get from Matthew and you don't get for Mark. First, if a brother sins against you, you are supposed to rebuke Him. That is, you go to him and you point out the fact that he has wronged you. Secondly, the Bible says if he repents, then you are supposed to forgive him, but I want you to notice that the bible makes his forgiveness conditional. First, you rebuke him. If he repents, you forgive him. And if I forgive a brother who doesn't repent, then I'm making forgiveness unconditional, and the Bible does not teach that.
Here's the second point, if I forgive a brother who won't repent, not only am I making forgiveness unconditional, I'm in direct violation of Luke chapter 17, verses three and four. Now again, Luke 17 and verse three says there are two things that must take place prior to forgiving a brother. Number one, I have to rebuke Him. Number two, he has to repent. And if that doesn't occur, and I forgive him anyway, I am I'm actually going against this passage. Brethren, it is not an optional thing for me to just forgive if I want to. I can't just do that. I have to follow what the word of God says. If I forgive just because I want to and I ignore this passage, that is causing me to sin.
Friends, the word ‘if’ is a very powerful word, a very powerful word in the bible. For instance, First John, chapter one and verse seven says, if we walk in the light, the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, cleanses us. What if we don't walk in the light? Then there is no cleansing. You see, it is conditional. The word if makes it conditional. Now, sometimes people will say this, well, Don, Jesus forgave the people who sinned against him when they were crucifying Him. They didn't repent, but he forgave them. In Luke, chapter 23 and verse 34 where Jesus was hanging on the cross, and He said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do, and they will say they didn't repent but Jesus forgave them, and I need to be like Jesus. Friends, don't you ever believe that argument. Jesus had a forgiving spirit, and Jesus was ready to forgive them, but they were not forgiven at that point. And I know that because when you get to Acts chapter two and verse 23, Peter indicts those who crucified Christ. He said, you have crucified the Christ. You have crucified the Son of God. And in Acts chapter two and verse 38 he told them, in order to be forgiven, they must repent and they must be baptized.
Brethren, Luke, chapter 17, verse three ought to settle this question for us. He says, if your brother sins against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. But if Luke chapter 17 and verse three, doesn't convince you. Listen to Luke, chapter 17 and verse four, and if he sins against you seven times in a day and seven times in a day, turns again to you and says, I repent. You shall forgive him. That is, if he sins against you, and if he repents, you forgive him. If he sins against you again and if he repents, you forgive him. If this has happened seven times, you forgive him over and over and over, conditional upon the fact that he continues to repent.
- Third, If I forgive a man who won't repent, then I make myself more forgiving than God is.
Here's point number three. If I forgive a man who won't repent, then I make myself more forgiving than God is. Friends, God is the perfect pattern for forgiveness. Nehemiah, chapter nine and verse 17 says, You are a God ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, abundant in kindness. Joel, chapter two and verse 13 says, return to the Lord, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger of great kindness, and he relents from doing harm. Jonah, chapter four and verse two, so Jonah prayed to the Lord, and he said, Our Lord was this not what I said when I was still in my country. Therefore, I fled previously to Tarshish, for I know that you are a gracious and a merciful God, slow to anger and abundant and loving kindness, one who relents from doing harm. Why did Jonah say that? Jonah said I knew that if I went and I preached to the people in Nineveh, I knew what was going to happen. I knew they would end up repenting, and I knew that you would forgive them. And Jonah wasn't happy about that. He didn't want them forgiven, but he preached to them because God forced it on him. And then what happened? They repented in sackcloth and ashes, and God forgave them.
Brethren, over and over and over again, what you will find is examples of God's wonderful forgiveness. But listen to this. God's forgiveness is always, always conditional. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no better forgiver than God, but it is inconsistent with his nature to forgive one who will not repent. And so for me to say, well, I'll just forgive that person who isn't repenting. That is making me inconsistent with the forgiving nature of God.
Ephesians, chapter four and verse 32 says, Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. What that means is I'm supposed to forgive as God forgives.
And so in that murder case, when you've got that family member who stands there in front of that impenitent murderer, that killer, that rapist, and they say, Well, I forgive him because I want to be like God. You know what? God doesn't forgive him. You are suggesting that you are a better forgiver than God and friends, that is a misunderstanding of the bible.
- Fourth, If I forgive a brother who hasn't repented, I'm ignoring the instructions of Matthew chapter 18.
Next, if I forgive a brother who hasn't repented, I'm ignoring the instructions of Matthew chapter 18. Now listen to this. I'm going to read this Matthew 18, beginning in verse 15, says, Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. This will be the same thing as Luke, chapter 17 and verse three, that is, you go and rebuke him. If he hears you, that is, he responds positively and he repents, you have gained your brother.
Once again, we have the bible teaching that repentance is required. If he will not hear you, that is, he does not respond positively and he will not repent. What are you supposed to do? What do you do? Then listen to the next verse, verse 16. If he will not hear you, take one or two with you that by the mouth of two or three witnesses, every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses to hear the church, let him be unto you as a heathen and a tax collector. Friends, the bible tells us what to do if a brother won't repent, and it's not just forgive him anyway. The bible doesn't say, Well, if he won't repent, don't worry about it, just move on, just, just let it be.
As a matter of fact, if you do that, you show a very low regard for his soul. Why do I say that? Because when you forgive him and he hasn't repented, you're pretending the sin is gone when it's not. What is the goal of Matthew chapter 18? The ultimate goal is to help a brother to come out of sin.
And the Lord says to do that, you follow these steps. First you go to him alone. Why do you do that? Why do you go to him alone instead of telling your friends and getting on the phone and calling everyone and texting everyone, you go to him alone, because this is gossip control. You want to fix this and keep it private. If he will not hear you, then you're going to tell one or two while you're still trying to keep this as small as possible. You don't want to spread it, if you can help it. If he won't hear them, then it's ultimately going to have to go to the church. You weren't able to keep it quiet, and so now the whole church is working on this.
- Fifth, if a brother won’t hear the church, we withdraw from him.
Ultimately, if he won't hear the church, you withdraw from him. Why? First Corinthians, First Corinthians five, and verse five says this, that his soul may be saved in the day of the Lord. Ladies and gentlemen, the purpose of this is to save his soul.
So let's rewind this a little bit. Your brother has sinned against you, and you go to him, and he just ignores you. And so you go home and you think to yourself, well, as a Christian, I ought to just forgive him and just move on. If you do that, you shut the whole process down. He continues in sin, and then he eventually may lose his soul and go to hell. And what you've said is, so be it. Brethren, that's not right. That's not what the bible teaches.
Question 2 : Is it okay for a Christian to harbor a grudge?
Now let's answer some questions. Two questions.
- First, NO, we are to pray for the brother and encourage him to repent.
Number one, is it okay for a Christian to harbor a grudge? Somebody says, Don, do you mean to tell me it's okay for a Christian just to have a grudge, just to harbor a grudge against someone? No, we're not saying that at all.
To harbor a grudge is to do something that is simply not Christian. The definition of a grudge is to harbor ill will or resentment. Synonyms are bitterness and hatred. You know, sometimes with a grudge, a person is even looking for an opportunity to get even or to take revenge.
Listen to me, those type of feelings are never right for a Christian, not before forgiveness, not after forgiveness. I think sometime people get confused in this area because they equate harboring ill will and hateful feelings with not forgiving, and those are not the same thing.
If my brother won't repent, Luke 17, and verse three says, I am not to forgive him. But that does not mean that it's okay to hate him in my heart and to wish ill toward him. In fact, First John, chapter three and verse 15 says, Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. The second greatest commandment is to love your brother as yourself, Matthew, 22:39.
And so if my brother sins against me and he won't repent, I don't forgive him, but I don't hate him. I don't entertain thoughts in my mind of evil things happening to him. I don't run him down and speak wicked of him every chance I get. My heart is not consumed with resentment, but I can't just let the sin go and pretend it's not there until he makes it right, because I want him to go to heaven.
You see, a Christian can't let it eat him up. He can't let it consume him. What he's going to do is he's going to pray for that individual, and he's going to be kind, and he's going to encourage the person to repent, but he's not going to pretend that it's gone.
- Second, if he is a non-Christian, we want them to obey the gospel first.
Here's the next question, what about non-Christians? Every time I've ever taught on this or dealt with this, done a sermon on this, somebody always says, what about non-Christians? Don, we've been talking about a brother sinning against us, but what if it's a non-Christian who sins against us?
Well, the principle is the same, but the procedure is not, God will not forgive anyone who will not repent. That is true of a Christian. That is true of a non-Christian.
And so if I'm going to forgive like God, then I'm not going to forgive a non-Christian who won't repent.
But here's the difference. With the Christian who won't repent, we have a pattern to follow, that is Matthew chapter 18, and ultimately he will be withdrawn from. That does not apply to non-Christians, and I know that because First Corinthians five, verses 10 and 11 specifically say that.
What we have with the non-Christian is we hope that ultimately they're going to repent and become Christians. But here's the thing, that non-Christian is not lost simply because of their sin against me. They were lost anyway. They were lost even before that. And so there is something bigger. I want them to obey the gospel. And so ultimately, that is what I'm working to in the end.
Forgiveness is always conditional
Brethren, forgiveness is always conditional. If I forgive without repentance, I violate Luke, 17, three and four, I make myself more forgiving than God and I ignore the process that the Lord has laid out in Matthew chapter , take heed to yourselves.
If a brother sins against you, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, seven times in a day, he returns to you saying, I repent. You shall forgive him. If I will do that, then God will always forgive me when I repent.
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